Visiting Mom, Interrupted

9/20
Sun Duck,

I'm sorry about dropping off the face of the earth for a while.  I hope all is well for you. I'm turning the first draft of my independence letter into a nonfic essay. My paperwork is all turned in. Hopefully, I know the results in the next three days.

Mom was in the hospital for a week due to a month-long migraine. She came home a few days ago; all they could do was medicate her. I went to see her today between classes. She's hired a friend of mine, Kat, who helped me move, to replace her old assistant. So Kat was there, but that was nice enough. Mom was pretty good too, except for being so drugged her end of the conversation sounded like Drunk History. She didn't ask me to do much, get things from the other room, tidy this, etc;. (I have spent hours playing that game with her.) Kat and I left to get the mail from the old hours and purchase slurpees. (Slurpees are all Mom wants when she's sick.)

An aside from the story-- Kat goes and opens the door with a key to the house first when we're together. I don't open the door unless I ring the bell and am invited inside. It is so very odd for my friend to have more permissions in my old home than I do.

When we returned my grandmother's car was parked out front. In my mother's bedroom, I greeted my grandmother, henceforth referred to as Dee.

"Are you done with class?" She asked.
"I go back to class in an hour."
"Oh! Did you get my message?"
"Nope!" I replied. Dee then started to give me a list of tasks to do. I excused myself, as Mom's attention was preoccupied with Dee.

Ted, one of my mom's adoptee's who moved in shortly after I moved out, was in the living room. I had not really spoken to him since my ejection from the nest, so I sat down to have a conversation with both he and Kat. Before anything of significance happened, Dee came into the living room, asking me for a box or pan to sort things in. Thinking about it, I probably looked at her like she was crazy. I went to the kitchen.

"Y'know, Dee. I don't really live here anymore. I can't be sure where things have been put." With my mother, being a step below a hoarder and possessing no organizational skills, and my brother being a fifteen year old boy, the house was unusually chaotic. Dee responded with something about "creative solutions," but I can't be sure. I wasn't fully listening.

Thinking Dee would return to keeping my mother busy, I tried to return to my conversation with Kat and Ted. Dee had another task for me to do. She wanted me to sort through all of the mail from the old house. There was a very large bag of it. Enough mail that I'm sure the mail lady was probably a Hogwarts graduate. She was a Wizard. A real-life Tetris Champion. A quantum physics abuser. There was a shit ton of mail.

I had already began sorting the mail in the car, to have something to do with my hands. To be blatantly honest, I'm not comfortable enough with my mother to be back on terms that allow for favors, or work or borrowing. I need to figure out how to function without her attempting to take total control. But more on that later.

I made it clear that I wasn't going to finish sorting the mail. Dee has helped me through most of the transition moving away from home. She's been an amazing grandmother. I couldn't comprehend why she was suddenly demanding so many tasks of me in an environment that still set me on edge, in a situation she knew made me so distinctly uncomfortable.

Yes. Trust issues still. Big surprise?

Dee sat down at the coffee table with the bag of mail and said, "Sonya, I'm so glad you could be so flexible as to help in a situation where you're needed." She started sorting herself.

I don't reward behavior like that with acknowledgement. Obviously, this was very awkward for Kat and Ted.

"If you aren't going to help, you should just leave," Dee said.

Those, y'know, are the magic words.

"Okay. I will," I said. I stood up from the big arm chair and went to my mom's room. I told her that I had to go because I had an appointment.

As I was leaving, Dee came into Mom's room saying, "I told her to leave."

I did not stay long enough to see the reaction. Kat waved and whispered a very awkward 'bye' as I left. Ted had the odd, 'this isn't what I expected, wait, it's exactly what I expected and it's crazy' look that happens so often.

Sun Duck, I know you're familiar with motherly trauma. I have seen my mother maybe four times since my ejection from the nest. Every time I have either have cried during our meeting, left crying, or cried immediately afterwards. I have experienced no small amount of hurt.

What I wanted out of my visit today was to interact with my mother and leave tear-less. I wanted to know that I could leave her presence unharmed. As far as my mother goes, today was a success, even if her pain killers means she won't remember it.

I wish I could say something more dramatic here. Remember how I'm Being The Adult now? It doesn't lend to drama. Not the way I do it, anyhow. I had conversations with my family trifecta tonight- Brother, Mom and Dee. They were all very forthright, honest, difficult conversations. But I'm in a good place now. My effort was rewarded. Dee apologized, too.

We're all worried about my mom. Her sickness is too long-lasting, too awful. I am in a difficult place. I know my mom won't remember anything between the natural memory loss and the medicine. I still can't bring myself to trust her, in even the most basic of ways.

I want to step in and be the daughter. But I can't be super girl. I tried that before. It ruined me.

I miss you. You're like family, y'know. Except. Less Abusive.

I hope things are going far better for you than they are for me, Sun Duck. Especially on the motherly front.

Best Love and Wishes,
Sonya